In addition to around 350 new friends on Facebook, I'm taking many things away from Punta Arenas, Chile. I'm taking amazing memories of some of the most beautiful landscapes I'll ever see in my life. I got a chance to go to El Calafate again with Marie's family, who happens to be visiting from the good ol' USA, this past weekend and I was once again blown away by being so close to the dumbfounding Perito Moreno Glacier. It's one small example of how something as natural and untainted as a huge piece of ice can completely trump any 3D special effect in any movie you'll ever see. Patagonia has threatened me with intense storms, icy streets and sidewalks and wind that makes you wish you didn't have a face but it's also rewarded me threefold by offering sights that defy words. Saying they're beautiful and breathtaking simply doesn't do enough. You have to see for yourself.
As cliche as this sounds, I'll be taking away some lessons about who I thought I was and what I think I need to be moving forward. Coming to Chile with the English Opens Doors program gave me the opportunity to live inside a community with a host family that would show me what these people are really about. I pictured myself really getting to know these people and spending almost all my time with them. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. While blame cannot be placed on any one side of that problem, I do feel that circumstances outside my control contributed to me having an experience that didn't go quite as well as it could have. My problems really were minor considering other volunteers had to deal with families that wouldn't even feed them at times but mine were problems nonetheless.
It's fair to say that my life was pretty hot and cold here. During the day, I was a small scale teen idol at school that everyone seemed to care about. Everything I did, said and asked was noticed, examined and questioned. While at home, I felt like the invisible man. As I sit here in my room alone as the clock approaches almost ten o'clock and wonder why we aren't having some sort of last dinner together before I leave first thing in the morning, I'm forced to think about how we got here. I will admit that I'm not a easy person to get close to. It takes time and patience. I'm afraid neither was afforded to me by most of the adults I met while here. I definitely would classify people here as nice and polite but I wouldn't go as far as saying they were caring or welcoming. The language barrier certainly didn't do anyone any favors and it's a shame that I leave this place feeling as though they never really got to know the real me. Now I know I'm not a bad person. A lot of people that I really respect and enjoy seem to like me back so I refuse to think there's something terribly wrong with me. I was never anything but polite, positive and relaxed so the reason for the occasional cold shoulders that I receive here eludes me. No one ever told me about any issues. I feel as though the family I lived with had very busy lives that kept them away from the house quite often. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to develop the same sort of busy life so I found myself sitting in my room studying Spanish with a computer instead. I don't want this to sound as though I'm bad mouthing the host family I stayed with. I truly bear no hard feelings and I wish them nothing but continued happiness and success. I'm extremely grateful the roof, bed, food and comfort that I was lucky to enjoy for the last 8 months but most of the time I felt like an obligation instead of an addition at home. That sucks.
I could have done more. I could have forced myself into more situations and done a better job to show that I wanted to be in the thick of things. I should have. I regret not being more demonstrative and emotive when the opportunities presented themselves. My hesitation was due to the language difficulties, the hurry everyone always seemed to be in and my own deficiencies when it comes to self confidence and pride. It was just a tough match when it came to me and them. The situation called for someone who is willing to literally call for attention and that has never been, and never will be, me. I completely understand why that sort of thing was necessary here but I also don't think there's anything wrong with me for not being able to be that way. We just never found our balance.
On the bright side, I sincerely hope that this experience will allow me to appreciate the people that care about me more than I ever did before. It's easy to take those people for granted until their 7,000 miles away. I can't wait to see my family in a few weeks. Their loving words were always refreshing and I appreciated their emails more than they know. It also applies to someone that was right here with me. Marie has been, and will continue to be, the most important person in the world to me. Her never ending support and genuine sweetness deserves more appreciation than I could ever hope to show. I can't wait to see what the coming months hold for us. Finding her has been the best part of coming to Chile, sin duda.
On that note, it's time to check out of Punta Arenas. I went swimming in the Strait of Magellan today with another volunteer, Chris, and ex-volunteer, Nathaniel, who happened to be passing through town. It was officially the last item on my list of things to do here in the south. Not a bad way to go out, I'd say.
It was cold and difficult but I'm extremely glad I did it.
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